"Good artists borrow, great artists steal." - Pablo Picasso (allegedly, he probably stole it)
At the start of 2020, I made the move from Los Angeles (home of the highway) to Denver (home of the ski slope). It seemed like a good idea at the time...and then, well you know what happened. I spent the next two years feeling levels of sorry for myself about the home I chose with the vision for hosting and the community I was not finding by sitting alone inside of it.
When I started working with an executive coach, we examined my complaints as a way to uncover a latent and snoozing vision. I complained that I did not know people in my new city and longed for the close community I left, and my coach invited me to turn that complaint into a vision for the community I longed for and to identify specific steps to build it.
So I put pen to paper to create a vision for bringing new people into my life and curating an atmosphere that encouraged meaningful and memorable conversations in my home. Here is what I came up with:
Vision: To build community in urban spaces by introducing strangers to each other and inviting them to engage in a gezellig [look it up] evening of intentional conversation around a beautiful table of finger foods, candlelight, and wine.
Goal: I invite seven people from different circles (that I know but who do not know each other) to the event held approximately every other month. At the end of the event, those who enjoy their 8 Plates experience, provide a name of a friend or two who would want to be invited to a future event. Eventually, I am inviting seven strangers to me to my home for an Eight Plates evening. Even better, I hear about others hosting their own Eight Plates, all over the nation...and then world domination (obviously).
Why "Eight Plates"? It rhymes. I also had enough forks. But I have learned that eight is an ideal number for discussions around a table because it allows for the natural division of multiple small conversations but also enables an easy transition to one group conversation.
These events have been life-giving for me. They have built friendships, they have created new networks, and the resounding response from attendees has been "I really needed this." They are empowering for me because they remind me I have the option to create out of a space of longing.
Here is a guide to creating your own. Steal it, riff on it, and most importantly, tag me in your posts about it. (@laura.m.groen #eightplates)
Step 1: Create your invite database. I have a spreadsheet where I list everyone I can think of who might want an invite with their email and, if relevant, the network that I associate with them (i.e. work, women's group, business association, friend circle). The network helps remind me who knows each other and therefore needs to be invited to separate Eight Plates events. [If you only intend to host one event, then the spreadsheet may be overkill, just find seven people that don't know each other.] The spreadsheet tracks who I've invited so that if someone responds "no" or "next time" I can send out another invite to someone on the list that fits the "stranger" bill. I do recommend staying strict with inviting couples one at a time to separate events. Many guests, including couples, have emphasized the value of this "rule" (both for childcare and for creating the atmosphere of everyone being equally "new" at the table -- no "inside" conversations, a level-playing field if you will).
Step 2: Pick a date, pick a topic, send the invite. I keep this simple. I use Paperless Post and the invite is pithy and a bit mysterious. You will need to set an RSVP deadline and emphasize that the guest is reserving a plate so guests understand the commitment.
The invite introduces the topic for discussion (one word, I like broad topics that invite many interpretations such as "growth," "power," "energy," and "change"). The guests are asked to bring a short passage, poem, or personal reflection on the topic. I've had guests bring dog-eared books, their own poetry, a childhood story, a quote, or just a provoking question. The "topic" idea was the part I was most unsure about at the start -- would people participate? Would it be lame? Would it interrupt the flow? Quite the opposite, it has been a highlight of the evening and the participation has been more committed and open than I had ever hoped.
Step 3: Take a deep breath. This part requires the most patience. People will not open the invite, they will have a conflict, they will get sick, and their kids will get sick. If one spouse can't make it, I ask the other. I keep cranking out invites and asking my friends to ask their friends until I get 8 or as close to it as I can. Despite my best efforts, I don't always have 8 and it has never been a tragedy.
Step 4: The table I knew if I offered dinner, I would do this once and never again. Instead, I found a local cheese shop, I order their 8-10 person cheese platter (grapes, nuts, crackers, olives, etc. included) and I add some charcuterie. I go to Trader Joe's and I supplement the cheese spread with seasonal fruits, chocolates, bell peppers, sliced baguette, and whatever else speaks to me at the moment. I do TJs in the week before and pick up the cheese platter same day. I purchased a big roll of construction paper at Michaels and I use that as the table runner/tablecloth and as the serving space.
When I spread the cheese and other foods across the table, I aim for everyone at the table to be in easy reach of everything offered. Every person has the same cheese, cracker, vegi, and fruit options in front of them. I use a few serving trays/boards to add levels, but it's not necessary. I also do easy crockpot meatballs to add something a little hearty. I leave those in the crockpot on the counter and guests self-serve.
I provide four bottles of wine (2 red, 2 white) and I usually make a small welcome batch cocktail that I serve to those who want it as they arrive (I don't think this is necessary but I love it).
Step 5: Host to the Most. When the spread is complete and the candles lit, choose your playlist (sometimes I do it based on the theme of the evening or I have a higher energy version for the beginning of the evening and a soft classical for the group conversation).
When everyone is present and has a beverage, I invite them to take their seats. I have their names on the construction paper near each plate. I put thought into the seating arrangement and experience joy when I hear two people discover the thing I knew they had in common or might find interesting about each other. I give a short intro to the evening and explain the thinking and history behind the event. I let them know the food is finger food and they have everything within reach. I let them know that after an hour I will jump in and start the topic discussion, but in the meantime, they should just enjoy the food and wine and get to know each other.
An hour or so in, I clink my glass and I start by sharing my piece on the topic of the night. I let everyone know that I want the sharing to be a conversation so feel free to ask questions of the person sharing or speak up if you relate to their contribution. I let it flow naturally from there until everyone has had a chance to contribute what they intended on the topic. When the conversation winds down I request that everyone grab a marker and write a name and email address on the table if they enjoyed the night and know of someone who would want to attend a future event. I ask that they prep that person for the invite by telling them about the experience (and who I am).
That's it. The construction paper makes clean-up a breeze. I am toying with the idea of doing an afternoon at a brewery for anyone who has ever been to an 8 Plates to start bringing a larger group together and guests have loved that idea as well.
Send me questions! Tell me if you are doing it! Let me know how I can help! Send me pictures of your table so I can steal your ideas! Go meet your city, it is friendlier than you might think.
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